First Minister Nicola Sturgeon has inaugurated Scotlands first border patrol force today at a ceremony near Gretna. ‘The Alba Rapid Security Enforcement or A.R.S.E will patrol from Dumfries to Berwick-upon-Tweed 24 hours a day, seven days a week, with only St Andrews Day off to celebrate our patron saint’ the First Minister said. She went on, ‘with this new force, our borders will ever be secure from the insidious Saxon, Roman and Viking. Make no mistake, Scotland will be closed off from the world and communicable disease. Neither man nor microbe shall pass this tartan hem’.    

Force Commander, Reuben Rankin, drawn from the Universal Credit division of the Brigadoon regiment said that he is proud to be part of such an elite and professional border force just as soon as he gets a number of financial ‘discrepancies’ cleared with the UK based Department for Work and Pensions first who have somehow been stealing ‘his oil’ for the best part of forty years.