Given the roaring success that is BBC Scotland (audience share 0.11% ), the separatists have decided to launch their own satellite TV service that only lets you view official programming sanctioned by the party machine of the SNP.

Highlights include Planet Earth: Scotland Edition narrated by Sean Connery, Great Scottish Railway Journeys (Sponsored by Scotrail. May be subject to change or cancellation at short notice). Finally, Garden Watch: Glasgow Southside where live footage is beamed directly from Nicola Sturgeon’s constituency, so you can watch the neglect in real-time.

A nervous SNP party spokesman said, ‘with this new satellite receiving equipment, Scotland moves another step closer to independence, um, despite the machinations of Westminster’.