Due to the unprecedented volume of hot air being exhaled by Nicola Sturgeon at her ‘Covid Conferences’, all those in attendance have been advised to wear a facemask when they are in close proximity to the First Minister.

Professor of Political Bullshit at St Andrew’s University, Harley Gillies, said that ‘atmospheric concentrations of heated air have been reaching toxic levels around the First Minister, so much so that a facemask is not only recommended anymore but mandatory for all those near her. As well as offering protection from hot air, the mask may also offer some limited protection from patronising and paternalistic words that are also toxic to the Scottish people, despite the tolerance they have built up since March 2020’.

‘Even the two-meter social distancing rule seems to be ineffective. People have reported feeling woozy, nauseous, dizzy, with a general sense of authoritarian unease at the press conferences. So stay safe, stay away from the First Minister if you can’.

Professor Gillies added that he would like to study this phenomenon further at his lab in St Andrews University, but that Nicola Sturgeon hasn’t left Edinburgh since early December 2019.