Nicola Sturgeon Would Actually Love To Visit Her Parents At Christmas But She’s Forgotten Where ‘North Ayrshire’ Is

‘However, the real reason is that she doesn’t recall exactly where ‘North Ayrshire’ is anymore. The first minister went on to say, ‘Let me be frank with you. I left Irvine when I was 18, joined the SNP, and I have hardly been South of Paisley Gilmour Street or North of Bridge of Allan since that time…’ [Click Here to Read more]

Rishi and Forbes: A Seaside Vacation

‘Rishi Sunak and Kate Forbes Arguing Over Who Should Pay for the Ice Cream’ [Click Here to Read more]

Jeannette Krankie Gettin Real Tired of This Nicola Sturgeon Nonsense

‘It’s me, beloved and iconic, Scottish TV personality and children’s entertainer, Jeannette Krankie. Forever ingrained in the memory of anyone who was born in the ’70s and 80s’. 

‘I’m here to tell you that I’m getting really tired of these comparisons with Nicola Sturgeon. It’s got so bad that I get heckled down the street: “Here look, it’s wee Nippy Sturgeon”, people will shout at me. I get blamed for the lockdown restrictions, failing standards in [CLICK HERE TO READ MORE]

The Warning Signs Of Scottish Nationalism: The Five Tier Alert System

Level 1 – First Warning Signs: You start to think Janey Godley is funny on occasion while still conceding her material is more ‘miss’ than ‘hit’. 

Level 2 – Whit aboot Scotland?: Lingering and persistent thoughts of ‘oor oil’ materialise in your everyday thinking. SNP policies seem attractive even though they appear unanchored from the real world of economics and society [CLICK HERE TO READ MORE]

Covid-19 Has Been Struck Down With a Bad Case of Margaret Ferrier

Covid-19 virus particle, DRFUFE-78, has spoken exclusively to Scotland Matters about its experiences of being infected with Margaret Ferrier: “It was fun at first, I mean I got to visit Parliament, was taken all about London, got my hair done in a beauty salon, met some police officers. Honestly, I was having the time of life. I met so many interesting people. Margaret even made a short speech about me…[CLICK HERE TO READ MORE]

Independent Scottish Navy To Consist Of An Angry Glaswegian In A Canoe

Given the number of budget cuts in a proposed, post-independence Scotland the proposed Scottish Navy is to be drastically reduced in size and capability to one angry Glaswegian in a canoe…[CLICK HERE TO READ MORE]

Kate Forbes To Start Selling Sheep To Reduce The Deficit

‘Finance Minister, Kate Forbes, said: ‘All Scotland needs to do to clear the deficit is to sell a couple of million of these sheep. I couldn’t work out the exact number, I’m not that great at mental arithmetic, but at £350,000 a pop, you can’t go wrong’ [CLICK HERE TO READ MORE]

Nicola Sturgeon Denies Entire Existence of Alex Salmond

Nicola Sturgeon is now denying the entire existence of her predecessor Alex Salmond in an attempt to save the SNP from further embarrassment. When questioned on this she responded: ‘I can categorically say that I have never seen this man in my life. I have absolutely no idea who he is. I don’t even think he was a member of the SNP…[CLICK HERE TO READ MORE]

Rats in Nicola Sturgeon’s Constituency to Form Their Own Pro-indy Party

Following on from the formation of the Scotland for Independence party, the rats in Nicola Sturgeon’s run-down Glasgow Southside constituency have decided to throw their weight behind the independence movement and form their own progressive pro-independence party called ‘Fur for a Left European Alba’, or F.L.E.A. for short…[CLICK HERE TO READ MORE]

Disappointment Over Scottish Exam Results Preparing Teenagers For A Life Under The SNP

With the recent fiasco over exam results continuing and the Scottish Government’s recent u-turn, Education Secretary John Swinney has said: ‘With the current recession, constant and endemic underemployment, and after nearly fifteen years of economic, social and cultural regression in Scotland under the SNP, I and my parliamentary colleagues thought it would be best to control the expectations of the next generation before it’s too late…’ [CLICK HERE TO READ MORE]

Aberdeen Being Punished For Having A Functioning Economy

Being the prime example of how things can go when the SNP aren’t in charge of absolutely everything in a place, Nicola Sturgeon has decided to punish Aberdeen and the North East for the sheer audacity of having a functional economy…[CLICK HERE TO READ MORE]

The SNP To Start Selling Branded Coffins

Due to the highly successful and uncontroversial release of their facemasks, the SNP have decided to start selling their own brand of unique coffins. Available in ‘canary yellow’, ‘Yes Saltire blue…[CLICK HERE TO READ MORE]

Face Masks Now Mandatory At Sturgeon’s Press Conferences

Due to the unprecedented volume of hot air being exhaled by Nicola Sturgeon at her ‘Covid Conferences’, all those in attendance have been advised to wear a facemask when they are in close proximity to the First Minister. Professor of Political Bullshit at St Andrew’s University, Harley Gillies, said that…[CLICK HERE TO READ MORE]

Birthday Messages For Our Dear Leader

Greetings Scottish Citizens. As you know our Great Leader recently celebrated her 50th birthday with a clap from the grateful populace, a salute from the ‘Scottish Resistance’ and a socially distanced ‘sair elba’ tap from her predecessor. Click here to see the top 20 most joyous exaltations chosen by the official state newspaper, The National out of 800 beautifully crafted birthday wishes  Happy birthday ma’am!

The Scottish Resistance To Organise Hot Tub Sit-In Protest

Fresh from valiantly manning the Scottish/English border where their noble, eternal and deathless (Well, 5 hours) vigil to defend Scotland from suspected Covid-19 infested English tourists was met with…[CLICK HERE TO READ MORE]

New Scottish Border Patrol Force In Action At Gretna

First Minister, Nicola Sturgeon, has inaugurated Scotlands first border patrol force today at a ceremony near Gretna. The ‘Alba Rapid Security Enforcement’ or A.R.S.E…

‘Big Support’ For SNP In Irvine

The ‘CunninghameSouth SNP’ Twitter account is stretching the bounds of credulity and logic with their claim of ‘Big support’ in Irvine on the 23rd of November…

Nationalist Angry At Cheese

You have just spotted the ‘Butchers Apron’, the union jack, the flag of the ‘Wastemonster’ elite on the cheese and you’re a Scottish nationalist, the worst kind. You’ve spent years boycotting products associated with the UK, dreaming you’re part of an oppressed minority…

New Nationalist TV Channel Launched

Given the roaring success that is BBC Scotland (audience share 0.11% ), the separatists have decided to launch their own satellite TV service…

New Name For ‘No’ Voter Discovered By Scottish Separatist

So, you voted ‘No’ in 2014. You’ve probably been called a ‘Tory’, even though you may never have voted Conservative in your life and perhaps never would. Chances are, you’ve been called a ‘Quisling’…

Where’s Swinney?

Those of you who grew up in the ’90s or were parents during the same period probably remember the ‘Where’s Wally’ series of books. Wally could be in Egypt, ancient Rome, modern London; who knows where he would end up!…

Extreme Separatists Try New Tactic Of Being Aggressive And Blaming The English

In a revolutionary new attempt to sway ‘No’ voters from 2014, the fringe of the Scottish separatist movement is to now blame the English and Tories for all of Scotland ills…

Wee Ginger Dug In Another Startling Anti-tory, Pro-SNP, Anti-UK, Pro-oor Nicola, Anti-Union Article

The infamous separatist blogger the ‘Wee Ginger Dug’ has recently published another predictable article on their blog. You’re a busy person. You have stuff to do, unlike bloggers. So, here is the synopsis …

Former First Minister Makes Dramatic Intervention in Cineworld Robert the Bruce No-show Scandal

Welcome to Scotland in 2019. A nation where our former First Minister now interferes in a ‘Twitterstorm’ over a film about Robert the Bruce that an independent cinema chain doesn’t wish to show at its cinemas that only has a 40% rating on Rotten Tomatoes because nationalism.

Alex Salmond urges Cineworld to ‘think again’ and screen Robert the Bruce epic in Scotland

Alex Salmond has urged Cineworld chiefs to reconsider their decision not show the new Robert the Bruce biopic in Scotland. The former First Minister joins a growing number of people venting their disappointment as it emerged that the cinema chain – the UK’s largest by number of venues – would not be screening the historical epic starring Angus Macfadyen in Scotland.

Yet Another Indy Crowdfunding Surprises Absolutely No One

A lone Scottish separatist has decided yet again to set up another Crowdfunding campaign to ‘draw in fence sitters and soft no voters’ for our 8th ‘ Rough Wooing’ since the end of September 2014. This time it’s different though! This time it’s to prevent Scotland from being ‘held prisoner by the British State’ in the event of a no-deal Brexit explains the text that has been copied and pasted from every other unsuccessful separatist crowdfunding campaign that has ever existed previously.

Robert the Bruce writes for The National

Here, actor Angus Macfadyen miraculously channels the wisdom of King Robert the Bruce from beyond the grave in an unmatched feat of clairvoyance that only the power of writing for The National could imbue him with.

Robert the Bruce: Familiar sound of Empire must be fiercely opposed

AHEAD of the release of his new film, Robert the Bruce (at cinemas nationwide from June 28), Angus Macfadyen imagines what the iconic Scottish leader would think if he woke up to today’s world of politics. MY heart bleeds. I woke up this morning in the future.

SNP Tour from the SSE Hydro in 2014

Below, you will find a video of an SNP conference/event hybrid from 2014 that would have been utterly alien to Scotland before 2007. Guest appearances include such musical luminaries as Blank Canvas and a rapper called Stanley Odd. Nicola Sturgeon and Alex Salmond have walk on parts.

So you don’t have to watch the entire spectacle, go to 2:03:00 to see a man waxing lyrical about “I don’t know, but I didn’t vote No!”, “When I say bed tax, you say nae chance!” and that “British values need a respirator!”. How often can you say that you witnessed the exact moment your nation lost its sense of perspective?