‘Big Support’ for SNP in Irvine
The ‘CunninghameSouth SNP’ Twitter account is stretching the bounds of credulity and logic with their claim of ‘Big support’ in Irvine on the 23rd of November.
Scotland Matters has forensically analysed the picture below in a similar manner to CSI and we have also consulted the Oxford English Dictionary.
Frankly, we have now concluded that it is perhaps, at best, a mere ‘smattering’ or perhaps a ‘smidgen’ of support. If we were feeling generous, then it might even be a ‘modicum’, but most definitely not ‘big.’
Tam McGleish, SNP supporter said: ‘There were at least 1.2 million people in George Square at the last rally. No joke. Derek Mckay counted them all up’.
Nationalist Angry at Cheese
Imagine the scenario.
You’re at a Christmas market. The delightful smell of cooked meat
and mulled wine permeates the festive atmosphere. The bustle of
crowds and the gentle tinkling of tiny metallic, candle powered
windmills is everywhere.
It’s late November and a refreshing
cold nips at your face as the pallid light from the winter sun
gradually turns to darkness. You drain the last from your cup of
spiced tea. Today is not a day for hate or politics.
You
approach a charming looking stall. A cheesemonger in fact. A broad
selection of cheese is in front of you. The producers even have one
called ‘True Scot’ that tastes of Irn Bru in a cheeky nod to the
regional market.
All of a sudden a blind rage comes upon you.
The day’s festivities have been for nought, forgotten in an
instance. You feel flushed as your heart rate rises at an alarming
and erratic rate.
You have just spotted
the ‘Butchers Apron’, the union jack, the flag of the
‘Wastemonster’ elite on the cheese and you’re a Scottish
nationalist, the worst kind. You’ve spent years boycotting products
associated with the UK, dreaming you’re part of an oppressed
minority while buying stuff from other places that indulge in
horrific violations of human dignity on a regular basis.
And
now a private company, based in the UK has the temerity to promote
the fact that its products are made in the UK; in the middle of
‘freedom’ square (George to the rest of us) none the
less!!
Tunnocks are already a pariah to you along with M&S,
David Bowie, Bank of Scotland and ASDA. ‘Yoon’ quislings the lot
of them.
Just like William Wallace, except with a bitter and
nonsensical Twitter account, you get into an argument with the
stallholder who claims that you live in part of the UK. You flash
your yellow ‘45’ badge at them and storm off having thus
embarrassed yourself and made everyone else feel awkward.
You
later tweet about this experience to vacuous and demented ‘goldfish
bowl’ applause on social media. Welcome to ‘Sturgeons Scotland’
2019, everyone!!
New Nationalist TV Channel Launched
Given the roaring success that is BBC Scotland (audience share 0.11% ), the separatists have decided to launch their own satellite TV service that only lets you view official programming sanctioned by the party machine of the SNP. Highlights include Planet Earth: Scotland Edition narrated by Sean Connery, Great Scottish Railway Journeys (Sponsored by Scotrail. May be subject to change or cancellation at short notice). Finally, Garden Watch: Glasgow Southside where live footage is beamed directly from Nicola Sturgeon’s constituency, so you can watch the neglect in real time. A nervous SNP party spokesman said, ‘with this new satellite receiving equipment, Scotland moves another stop closer to independence, um, despite the machinations of Westminster’.
New Name for ‘No’ Voter Discovered by Scottish Separatist
So, you voted ‘No’ in 2014. You’ve probably been called a ‘Tory’, even though you may never have voted Conservative in your life and perhaps never would. Chances are, you’ve been called a ‘Quisling’ for voting to keep your nation as a single political and economic entity. You’ve most definitely been called a ‘Yoon’ at some point. You, rather impolitely, may have been referred to as a ‘Nawbag’ by certain vulgar secessionist groups online. However, have you ever been called a ‘Tunnock’ before? I’m guessing not. Well, you have now, you ‘Tunnock’.
Nationalist MSP Has Issues With The Word Nationalism
In a shocking revelation, nationalist MSP and Cabinet Secretary for Justice has said that the word ‘nationalist’ may have some negative connotations attached to it. Apparently, Mr Yousaf has just discovered that the ‘measles of mankind’ may not be the best way to govern a country and that just perhaps, his nationalist party, have been responsible for largest upsurge in virulent nationalism in Scotland in the last few generations.
Where’s Swinney?
Those of you who grew up in the 90’s or were parents during the same period probably remember the ‘Where’s Wally’ series of books. Wally could be in Egypt, ancient Rome, modern London; who knows where he would end up!
Here, Nicola Sturgeon has updated the concept for modern Scotland, but instead of the beloved, behatted and striped jumpered Wally, we have to find Deputy First Minister of Scotland and Cabinet Secretary for Education and Skills, John Swinney MSP. Can you see him in the crowd of ‘Yes’ saltires and youthful indy marchers?
Nicola Sturgeon Gets Ready to Meet the Prime Minister
Here, Nicola Sturgerean, the First of Her Name, Queen of Caledonia, Chieftain of the Great Heather Sea, High Priestess of the North, Saver of Bairns, Taker of Selfies, and self proclaimed ‘Mammy’ of Scotland takes some time out of her busy schedule to snap a few pictures in a stunt that she would denigrate another politician for doing.
Ready for you, Prime Minister (joking obvs ?) pic.twitter.com/FZ5otVKkYM— Nicola Sturgeon (@NicolaSturgeon) July 27, 2019
Scottish Independence Conspiracy At The BBC
Clearly Alan Cumming (and The National) haven’t heard of the ‘search bar’ on the BBC website and believe that there is some sort of conspiracy at ‘auntie’ to not report on Scottish Independence. Scotland Matters have used our extensive investigative experience and hacking skills to type ‘Scottish independence’ into a text box on a website to see if this appalling allegation was true.
Nicola Sturgeon Demands Another Independence Referendum…for Reasons
First Minister, Nicola Sturgeon, has demanded another independence referendum because Boris Johnson is Prime Minister. Not that it would matter. It could have been Jeremy Hunt, Ronald McDonald or the ghost of Hugh MacDiarmid with a white rose in his lapel and she would still go to default mode and demand another rerun of 2014 just for the sake of it.
Once. In. A. Generation
What the First Minster failed to mention, was that when she said ‘once in a life time’ with regards to Scottish Independence, it was the lifetime of a fruit fly.
Wee Ginger Dug In Another Startling Anti-tory, Pro-SNP, Anti-UK, Pro-oor Nicola, Anti-Union Article
The infamous separatist blogger the ‘Wee Ginger Dug’ has recently published another predictable article on their blog. You’re a busy person. You have stuff to do, unlike bloggers. So, here is the synopsis broken down into the number of times certain words were mentioned; just to give you a flavor of the text: Scotland – 23, independence – 11, referendum – 10, Brexit – 8, SNP – 7.
Extreme Separatists Try New Tactic of Being Aggressive and Blaming The English
In a revolutionary new attempt to sway ‘No’ voters from 2014, the fringe of the Scottish separatist movement is to now blame the English and Tories for all of Scotland ills while pretending that the SNP led Scottish Government has no power to do anything whatsoever. Fifty six year old Bill McTavish who last traveled across the Scottish border on a School trip told Scotland Matters that, ‘Its a thon sassanachs fault fae wastemonter. A ken a aboot whit they’re up tae’.
Former First Minister Makes Dramatic Intervention in Cineworld Robert the Bruce No-show Scandal
Welcome to Scotland in 2019. A nation where our former First Minister now interferes in a ‘Twitterstorm’ over a film about Robert the Bruce that an independent cinema chain doesn’t wish to show at its cinemas that only has a 40% rating on Rotten Tomatoes because nationalism.
Yet Another Indy Crowdfunding Surprises Absolutely No One
A lone Scottish separatist has decided yet again to set up another Crowdfunding campaign to ‘draw in fence sitters and soft no voters’ for our 8th ‘ Rough Wooing’ since the end of September 2014. This time it’s different though! This time it’s to prevent Scotland from being ‘held prisoner by the British State’ in the event of a no-deal Brexit explains the text that has been copied and pasted from every other unsuccessful separatist crowdfunding campaign that has ever existed previously.
Robert the Bruce writes for The National
Here, actor Angus Macfadyen miraculously channels the wisdom of King Robert the Bruce from beyond the grave in an unmatched feat of clairvoyance that only the power of writing for The National could imbue him with.
SNP Tour from the SSE Hydro in 2014
Below, you will find a video of an SNP conference/event hybrid from 2014 that would have been utterly alien to Scotland before 2007. Guest appearances include such musical luminaries as Blank Canvas and a rapper called Stanley Odd. Nicola Sturgeon and Alex Salmond have walk on parts.
So you don’t have to watch the entire spectacle, go to 2:03:00 to see a man waxing lyrical about “I don’t know, but I didn’t vote No!”, “When I say bed tax, you say nae chance!” and that “British values need a respirator!”. How often can you say that you witnessed the exact moment your nation lost its sense of perspective?