[PLEASE NOTE THIS IS A WORK OF SATIRE AND DOES NOT REPRESENT THE VIEWS OF SCOTLAND MATTERS]

Being the prime example of how things can go when the SNP aren’t in charge of absolutely everything in a place, Nicola Sturgeon has decided to punish Aberdeen and the North East for the sheer audacity of having a functional economy.

The First Minister said: ‘The North-East of Scotland has persistently been one of the wealthiest regions of Scotland. They voted to stay in the UK by a margin of nearly 60%. 45% of voters even wanted to leave the EU. Aberdeenshire has twenty-three Toorie councillors. The Queen even has her holidays up there. This can no longer go unanswered by the Scottish Government. The time for retribution is now.  Aberdeen must be silenced into submission for its transgressions’. 

‘As of 17:00 hours on the 05th of August 2020, Police Scotland will arrest any Aberdonian on sight who breaks curfew.  I want them to understand what an independent Scotland will really be like. They must be dragged down. This issue transcends oil, the economy and human rights. I will have Aberdeenshire like the rest of Scotland, one way or another’, before storming off and giving her sign language interpreter a ‘Glesgae Kiss’ right on the forehead.

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